(Before I begin: A happy holiday to everyone and I hope they went as well as you had hoped!)
I am terrible at dating. I really am.
I’m awkward around people I don’t know very well, I have a terrible habit of not watching what I am saying, and I am really out of touch with a great deal of modern events. I also have a propensity for honesty (let’s be honest with ourselves and call dating what it really is at the beginning: strutting) and that has bitten me in the ass a few times because that, combined with my lack of attention to what I’m saying, has deep-sixed a few dates.
And by “a few dates”, I mean one or two. I told you I was terrible at it.
While I wasn’t exactly an outgoing person in my youth, I was a great deal more active in the dating circuit than I am now (especially now). I exaggerated here and there, attempted to impress the other person, do all the nice things that people do to show an interest without actually saying they’re interested. I would hang onto their every word, observe their actions, and hear their tone of voice, hoping to catch a glimpse of reciprocation.
Wait…that’s the part I have difficulty with.
I don’t know how it all came about, or how the thought process formed in my head, but it is incredibly difficult for me to lie. I don’t even like exaggerating because I was an insufferable, arrogant dick when I was younger and did that all the time, so it is something I never wish to repeat. I do not want to fall into that trap again!
Anyway, back to the subject of lying, difficulty of. Any time I am tempted to be deceptive or underhanded about something, I am suddenly gripped with an utter fear that I will be the one that gets caught. Not my neighbors, my coworkers, or my family. I will get busted cheating on a test, lying to my boss, or stealing from a store. I also have no desire to be associated with falsehood and deception, so I try to be as honest and as forthright as I can. This can be problematic in the dating scene.
I have said things that were of the “worst place, worst time” category on several occasions. If it is even possible, it is exacerbated by the fact that my words and tone are sometimes out of sync, creating confusion and/or shocked outrage (depending on the subject matter); adding deception to it is just asking for trouble. I’m simply terrible at keeping quiet! I also don’t exaggerate or gloss over anything; my rationale is that if things worked out and we started dating, they’d see through the lies I created when we were dating. When you date me, you get what it says on the outside of the tin.
I was chastised by some of the old queens I used to know when I came over to grouse about life. They would tell me to keep some secrets, don’t lay all your cards on the table, and so on. At the time it made sense, but now?
Screw that.
I no longer have the time, energy, or patience to wade through months of dating just to find out it woudn’t’ve worked out. Instead, I just flat out tell people what I’m thinking (or try to, at least…I’m still a bit of a coward in that department, as many of us are) and let them judge me however they like. My last relationship started by me saying I liked him and the feeling seemed mutual, so would he like to go grab a bite to eat? I stopped trying to cater to other people’s demands and started doing things my way. Back then rejection was a heart-wrenching ordeal; now I just flip them off and move on. Fuck them, I’d say, and go on about my life. No more crying jags feeling sorry for myself! No more heartache; instead, I just shrug my shoulders and go on about my business.
What contributed to this newfound thought process? I’d like to think it is because I have become more accustomed to single life, or because I’ve matured, or something else undefinable. Hopefully it will continue this way until I am unequivocably, unswervingly comfortable with myself.
The Novelty of Happiness 