I stay in my room a lot. Being outside does not interest me in the slightest most of the time, and everything I want or need is here, so I have no real impetus to leave. I have been compared to a groundhog, popping my head out occasionally to see what’s going on in the world, and heading right back down into my comfortable burrow shortly thereafter. I just don’t feel the overriding need to go outside.
I used to go out a lot (usually every weekend) and now I’m just tired of it. I’m far more comfortable sitting my chair reading a book, or playing a video game, or watching a movie. I work at home, so I don’t have to drive every day (of which I am very glad, because Houston has had shitty traffic problems for the last 20 years), and spend next to nothing on gas as a result. The only time I actually drive is if I need to do something that cannot be done over the internet. To be fair, there have been times where I catch a bit of cabin fever and decide to go to a coffee shop and work on my stories, but once I am done with that and go home I’m back to my usual hermit self for several more weeks. I really don’t mind being inside a lot, but some people think it’s a little strange. In today’s culture where everyone is going to the gym, running in parks, or doing picnics, people like myself are sometimes seen as relics, antisocial, or just plain weird.
I am also like a groundhog in other ways. A few years ago I would sometimes get an urge to go to a local gay bar every few months or so. I really don’t know why I did it, other than perhaps to be among “my people”, but it usually ended up the same way: with disappointment. I saw (and continue to see) how the gay community has changed since I was a teen, and I don’t like it. I essentially popped my head out to see how things were proceeding, decided I wasn’t going to have anything to do with it, and ducked down into my burrow once again.
I happened across a personal ad from somewhere (not a singles app or website; I never had any luck with those so I don’t even bother) and he seemed like a literate fellow, so I sent an email. Part of me was testing how I would feel about it, see if I was able to think clearly in a situation that previously made me an idiot…but I was also feeling lonely, and that had a part to play. I was pretty blunt in my email because if things were to progress further, we would eventually have to meet over coffee or something. Saying I look like Adonis is completely different from seeing me in person. I never disguise anything and never lie (I avoid lying as much as possible as a general rule since I can’t remember what I lied about), so no one can ever say I led them on. Anyway, he responded with enthusiasm and requested a G-rated picture.
For those of you who have had the utter luck of never having to deal with this sort of thing, I shall enlighten you on why this is a very important step to consider:
All animals are attracted to certain things, and we tend to gravitate towards other creatures (of our own species) who have these certain things. Many birds have brilliant, striking plumage and use it to attract mates. Some male primates bring food to a female in the hopes of copulating. Humans are certainly not free from this attraction, and while the definition of beauty has changed over the years (it is in the eye of the beholder, after all), we still gravitate towards those who are considered beautiful.
The reason this is important is due to the fact that, in our internet connection age, we don’t actually “see” the other person. Our interactions are taking place through an electronic proxy; as a result, we ask for pictures. It gives us a face to the voice (words?) and fills in necessary gaps in our brains; however, the picture could be fake and you would never know unless you met them in person (I once had a three month conversation with a bot…I kid you not).
Well, people on singles websites/apps constantly ask for pictures or post them so people will see what they look like. These pictures have become the peacock’s feathers, the primate’s food, or the cat’s offering of a dead vole on your doorstep. The only problem with this is that you don’t get to know them like you would when meeting someone face to face; instead, a picture just tells you what they look like. None of their personality can transmit through the internet unless you type it out, and humans are horrible at talking about themselves. As if that weren’t bad enough, the anonymity and ability to simply not respond at all has created new ways to inflict hurt upon others, and this is felt nowhere more keenly than the people who are not considered attractive….
I am so unattractive my mom had to tie a steak around my neck so the dogs would play with me.
I’m kidding of course; she used ground beef.
In all seriousness, I am not considered attractive by any stretch of the imagination. Oh, I’ve been in a few relationships so obviously someone looked beyond that, but the majority of people out there don’t look past my countenance. They see me and decide I’m not worth the effort to become acquainted with; in doing so, they never get to know who I am. It is unfortunate, but it’s also how reality works, and has been a staple behavior of society since the beginning of time.
In any event, the fellow asked for a picture and I sent it. I knew as soon as I did I would never hear from him again, and I was correct. I have dealt with this often enough to know. It used to upset me a great deal because “they don’t know what they’re missing!” or “they’re so full of themselves”, and so on. Now? I figuratively shrug, say to myself “well, fuck you too”, and go on about my day. Fighting against the tide accomplishes nothing and wears you out with no reward for your efforts, so why bother fighting it? It will never change and that was a huge leap of maturity for me.
Regardless, I popped out of my burrow, took a look around, and saw that things are pretty much the same since the last time I looked. So, I hope you will excuse me while I descend into my burrow once more and wait it out for several more months.
The Novelty of Happiness 